Delving deep. Lost another.

 Alright here it goes, I kinda put this one off for awhile so I could completely wrap my head and thoughts around losing another friend. Another reason is in just 2 months time after I lost 2 more friends in motorcycle accidents. Last year was a rough one to say the least. I'll just get the rough stuff out of the way, because who really wants the happy ending of a tragic story first?
     I have worked at a southern California music venue called chain reaction for the last 5 or so years full time, and filled in days in the early 2000's. When I quit touring it was the first place I flocked to wanting to be around music. I met Christian many years ago and with us both being from San Diego it was our connection. So before I lay into this let me give you a quick rundown in simplest form of my interpretation of Christian. He was the definition of cool, 1 part classic, 2 parts original, and definitely an individual. From his pegged dickies, past blue ribbon trucker hat, hilarious tattoos ( virgin mary playing flying v guitar), classic cars, and musical knowledge he oozed awesome. He was opinionated, loud about it, and most importantly, real. When you spend almost everyday with someone in a work environment of just hanging out you not only grow close, but pick up habits. I learned to throw caution to the wind and just be as is, live in the moment, and care less about what's going to happen and more about being. I miss that and I miss him. Let's get back to the matter at hand, fast forward a few years and all the good times I had now been pulling double duty working two jobs at merch connection in the day and chain by night, a slave to the grind. It was a typical night at chain reaction, shit talking, horrible bands, and a food run. It was my night to go so teriyaki bowls it was, Christian had his daughters there so I bought them dinner.

Caidyn and Chloe were always there when Christian had his days with them, all of the venue staff were like babysitters.The show was a sold out sweaty one, your typical boy band all american electro pop rock crap. Caidyn and Chloe decided to hang outside while dad endured the earbleed entertainment .There was a lady with her two children outside begging to get in so I opted the mother to challenge Caidyn to a best out of 3 rock paper scissors. Fair right? Well Caidyn crushed her, so I invited one of her kids to the challenge, then the other, needless to say it was a flawless victory. You should have seen the look of disappointment on the family's face. I'm way too soft so I reached into my pocket pulled out two wristbands and told caidyn and chloe they can pick out any two people in the lot as their guest, of course they give it to the kids that just got smoked in the Roshambo match. The kids screamed and jumped with joy and the mother couldn't shut up with the thank you's. The mother then preceded to offer the girls money which they reached for, I had to thank her and tell her Their dad wouldn't let them accept that. Caidyn and Chloe weren't very happy about not getting the twenty bucks each but I knew Christian. The showed ended shortly after, and as Christian exited the building I explained the story and how his kids were kind and how I wouldn't let them take the money because you wouldn't approve. I remember the mom thanking Christian on how he raised his kids and he knelt down and told his daughters "you don't take money from kind people" he placed his hands in theirs and in his famous words said "welp,see ya later D-roq". I watched him walk his children to his car strap them in and drive off not knowing that would be the last living thing I'd ever see him do.

Memorial Crash site

               I didn't work for the next few days which was a nice break from the double duty of day and night jobs. I had just packed endless amounts of band shirts in a hot sweaty, stale aired warehouse for 9 hrs. Ryan another friend who worked both jobs with me decided a jamba juice was in store after work. We decided to people watch, before going home to the single unfurnished room we shared at our bosses house. I briefly remember heckling a rather interestingly dressed man to the point of tears, in between laughs Ryan had answered his phone and his tone completely changed. I was still laughing when I asked him " who is that, what's up?" Ryan looked at me with a white face and replied "Christian just died on his motorcycle" I hesitated for a moment. I could no longer drink, or breathe, or feel. I sat in that courtyard with my fingertips on a cold metal table staring at smiling faces and families. I didn't feel cold, or sad, I just felt still. I've had family and friends pass before which was devastating but I couldn't tell why this one was different. The drive home was blank and concerned. The news spread fast, while Ryan decided to stay home, I made my way to chain reaction where all of us decided it was appropriate to grieve. I decided to listen to the album argybargy by squeeze, since it was always his pick on my ipod. I must have listened to it 30 times on that drive with traffic, upon arriving I saw nothing but still familiar faces. Strong young men falling apart, and a home that would never feel the same again.We told stories, laughed,cried, and all of the above some more. This was the hardest I've ever took losing someone. I learned that the still was an emotion, but an uncharted one at that.It wasn't real.

                I don't know all the details about the motorcycle accident which took my friends life, it doesn't really matter. All I know is my friend ran into a car pulling out of a gas station which completely crushed him. I don't know If he was in pain, or if angels guided him into some light, or if his life flashed before his eyes, If he thought about god, his kids, his loves, I don't know what a man thinks about during death. I hope he wasn't in pain, but it's all so tragic I don't think about it. This is the thing we call life, this is the rationality of death. Every move made his whole life brought him to this moment and this is the outcome, wrong place wrong time. I've come to the conclusion that the saddest part of his death was the aftermath. Christian was a punk rock guy through and through a skateboarder, musician, sang in a ska band unsteady, tour managed the aqua bats, did sound for countless bands, and carried the ideals into every aspect of his life. He would bring me countless things into work sweet horror posters, records, his sound book, anything and everything because he was about living not objects. It's true what they say "everyone loves you when you're dead". People came out of the woodworks to take over benefit shows, and memorials. There were two memorial shows which raised money for his children and unborn child. I personally didn't feel the full effect of the shows, it was a lot of faces Christian was very vocal about disliking, it was a shit show. From the press, to the money discrepancies, to the show in general. My closure was with my friends and his. From the staff painting a memorial day and night, to the shirts, and genuine spark of life instilled in the grieving. Seeing friends fall apart then laugh was touching and brought the staff of chain reaction closer than ever. I think we did pretty well, while family feuding and the fight over a dead mans possessions ensued we kept it together. We remained as a unit. We were his second family.He would have been proud, we did good.

Memorial show

I could write for days, calling people out on how they acted. Everyone fought for attention, who was a better friend, or closer, striving for acceptance through the loss of a friend, but not only would it be shameful in the sense of who am I to say how someone feels but also it would take away from the matter at hand. The remembrance and legacy of one man. Like I said who wants the happy ending of a tragic story first? I'll just end it like this, though many people had opinions about you, I thought you did this life thing very well, while some saw an outspoken asshole, I saw the light shining through the crack, you told it how it was. You might have been a heartbreaker but I saw it as a man who's heart had been broke and made hard, I know it was healing in the end. I saw you in your prime, as a father, that was your calling. I'm sorry i broke your ramp when we were wallriding at the school by your house, at least you landed one. Thanks for having me around your kids, I'll miss swap meet record shopping with you guys. Thanks for showing me sound when you told hundreds of others to beat it ( even when you'd leave me with big bands, when I had no idea what to do), Your worldly advice and keen outlook was much appreciated when you'd hang late after hours and give me advice, Thanks for always introducing me as your friend, Harbor house hang's, hooking me up with the sound gig at the U.S. open, talking and appreciating stiff records with me, and the most Important thing is just being all our friends giving us a glance into your take on being alive. We all love you dearly, I swear I'm like a walking r&b song because every little thing reminds me of you. I'm glad you not only left us the parting gift of wisdom and a true spirit but this little bundle of joy. We'll all be

Your new little girl, and the last piece of you

sure to tell every story we have about you. You were taken way too soon but I know you lived the life of a thousand men. Nothing but love for you.

To the others we lost too Mitch Lucker, Steve Bach

R.I.P. Mitch